When it comes to Valentine’s Day, it can be tricky to gauge your partner’s true feelings, especially if they claim they don’t care about the holiday. While they might say they’re indifferent, it’s often a good idea to take their words with a grain of salt and make an effort anyway. The truth is, even the most cynical people can have a soft spot for Valentine’s Day, and assuming your partner doesn’t care might lead to misunderstandings or hurt feelings. This advice applies to both men and women, but let’s face it—there’s often more pressure on men to make gestures on this day. However, regardless of who takes the lead, the key is to show your partner that you care.
A recent conversation on social media highlighted this dynamic perfectly. The author of Cartoons Hate Her revealed that, despite pretending for 16 years that she didn’t care about Valentine’s Day, she actually does. She admitted to running a “pick-me long con” by acting super chill about the holiday when, in reality, she wanted to celebrate. Her husband, now in on the secret, agreed to plan something special—just not on the actual day, to avoid the crowds. Their lighthearted exchange showed that communication is key, and assuming your partner doesn’t care can lead to missed opportunities to connect.
In the comments of her post, many men shared similar stories of taking their partners at their word and regretting it. One man, however, claimed he’d always disregarded such statements and made an effort anyway—a strategy that therapist Kurt Smith of Roseville, California, says is a smart approach. Smith explains that most women do care about Valentine’s Day, even if they don’t love the commercialized aspect of it. What they really want is to feel loved and appreciated. By not making an effort, you risk giving the impression that you don’t care, especially when social media is flooded with grand gestures and romantic date nights. Being the one who does nothing when everyone else is trying can make your partner feel overlooked.
Smith also points out that some people who claim they don’t care about Valentine’s Day might actually want to celebrate but feel hesitant to express their needs. This could be because they don’t want to seem high-maintenance or because they’ve been disappointed in the past. For instance, a woman in Smith’s therapy sessions confessed that she felt like she had to tell her husband what to do in every area of their relationship, and she wished he would take the initiative to plan something special just for her. While she might not care about over-the-top gestures, she desperately wants to feel loved and prioritized.
The fear of seeming high-maintenance is a common reason why people downplay their interest in Valentine’s Day. Nicole Saunders, a therapist in Charlotte, North Carolina, explains that many women, in particular, are socialized to avoid appearing needy or demanding. They might pretend indifference to avoid putting pressure on their partner or to seem more laid-back in the relationship. Similarly, Brandon Gescheidle, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, notes that some people suppress their desires because of past experiences, such as being let down by a partner repeatedly. To protect themselves from disappointment, they might act like they don’t care, even if they secretly wish their partner would make an effort.
Ultimately, the takeaway is that Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show love and appreciation, regardless of how your partner feels about the holiday itself. While it’s ideal for your partner to be open about their wants and needs, this isn’t always the case. By taking initiative and doing something heartfelt, you demonstrate that you care without waiting for permission. As Saunders so eloquently puts it, “You don’t need permission to show someone love.” Even small gestures—like ordering flowers, cooking a special meal, or writing a heartfelt note—can make a big difference. So, instead of assuming your partner doesn’t care, why not take a chance and show them some love? After all, the worst that could happen is that they appreciate the effort, and the best is that it strengthens your connection and shows them how much they mean to you.
